Family Stuff and Being Blunt
by obsidianLight16
Summary: Apparently it's not enough to just call yourself a family. The Akatsuki may sometimes act like one, but they're not seeing it. Pein needs to find a way to convince them...   Well- they always did say third time's the charm.


**A/N: ****It was supposed to be really short- but it kind of grew on its own. Oh well, not like it's a bad thing :D**

**Warning: Language, slight violence, OOC, drama...**

**Disclaimer: Rights to the characters do not belong to me**

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* * *

><p>"We are a family," Pein suddenly said one night at dinner.<p>

"_No_." Hidan jabbed his chopsticks at him. "You are a dictator and we are your fuckin' slaves."

Pein blasted him into the wall before pouring himself a cup of sparkling water.

"Ow! Goddammit you motherfuckin-"

"Why are we a family?" Deidara asked from his seat beside Sasori and Zetsu. "We've never done any family stuff except for terrorizing kids in parks, have picnics in villages we've set on fire, and robbing supermarkets when we get bored or harrassed un."

"That's exactly what I'm saying Deidara," Pein told the organization's youngest member. "All of us have spent quite some time together. We live in the same base, talk to one another, destroy other people's lives together- it's what a family does."

Deidara looked unconvinced but went back to toying with his plate of vegetables. Who the hell invented string beans anyway?

"Stop messing around brat and eat the damn things already," Sasori muttered, glancing at him.

"I don't want to," Deidara rolled his eyes.

Sasori huffed under his breath before shoving his own forkfull of greens inside the blonde's mouth.

Deidara paled drastically before beginning to choke.

Sasori ignored this in favor of asking Kisame for the masked potatoes.

Kisame handed it to him with a raised brow and wary expression. "Um...your partner is slowly turning blue..."

"Sempai's dying!" Tobi shouted from the other end of the table.

Sasori shrugged.

Zetsu- taking sympathy on the poor blonde- offered his glass of water.

Pein pointedly stared at the group of five. "You guys don't believe me when I say you care for one another?"

Konan said nothing, merely watching as the rest of the members seated around the table bobbed their heads or muttered under their breath.

Hidan- finally getting up from where he had been thrown into- angrily plopped back down into his seat. "Look Leader-san, we're only a family in _you're _warped perspective so kindly leave us the fuck out of it."

Pein blasted him into the wall again.

Kakuzu felt a vein pop. "You're not the one who has to pay for that Leader-san so cut it out!"

Pein blasted him as well.

Itachi looked at Kakuzu and Hidan and then back to his leader. "We'll believe you if you can give us three cases where we've acted...like a family," he manged to get out.

"I'm with him on this one," Sasori muttered.

"Very well," Pein said, ignoring Hidan and Kakuzu's wild curses. "Allow me to refresh your poor memories then..."

* * *

><p><strong>1. Helping Each Other Out <em>(whether they want the help or not)<em>**

It was shopping day for the Akatsuki every Tuesday, and while they could have just sent out random members to go out and buy the food, no one ever wanted to be the one to have to deal with everyone's food requests and getting bitched out later by the others (mainly Hidan and Konan). So Pein took the liberty of creating a schedule with two random members going shopping every Tuesday in a cycle.

Today it was Itachi's turn.

Along with Deidara.

The _perfect _pair to handle duties such as this.

"Do me a favor Deidara and get the rice," Itachi said, taking several cans off their shelf and putting them in the cart the blonde was pushing beside him.

"Why do I have to get the rice?" Deidara muttered, giving the older man a dark look.

"Because all you're doing is pushing the cart," Itachi muttered back.

Deidara scowled, shoving the cart not-so-nicely into Itachi's leg. "Whatever un." He left the cart with a glaring Uchiha and stomped off towards the back of the store where he knew the damn rice would be.

Itachi rolled his eyes and pushed the cart away from him at an odd angle, beginning to get pissed off at the giant piece of plastic. He had no idea why, but Deidara always seemed to throw a fit whenever he was around him. It was annoying and stupid and he had half the mind to tell the blonde so. He was about to head for the Fruit Section when he caught sight of three burly men heading in the direction Deidara went, their faces one that spelled trouble.

Itachi's eyes narrowed.

"Why the _hell _is everyone staring at me?" Deidara angrily hissed as he stalked down the aisles of the Amegakure Supermarket.

The supermarket known for its abundance in perverts.

And Pein wondered why his members dreaded going out in public.

Now Deidara would've blown this place up long ago, but they _did _need a place to buy food from. And Kakuzu would've just complained about the higher tax prices in other villages.

He made it to the back where the stupid rice in their stupid bags were, stopping in front of the pile with a frown. That bastard Itachi never told him what kind of rice to get. Oh well... He picked up the lightest bag, just to spite the Uchiha. They both knew that one tiny bag of rice wouldn't last a day in the base.

Deidara turned around, smirking a bit at the fact that he would be able to irk Itachi.

The smirk fell right off.

Standing in front of him were three men. Burly, bald, and- did one of them have a gold tooth?

Deidar warily eyed them, trying to step past.

They blocked his way.

"Whatcha' doin' by yourself?" one of them asked.

Deidara narrowed his visible eye. "None of your business un."

"Cute accent," another one said.

"I don't _have _an accent hmm," Deidara growled.

"Such a fiesty gal," the third one murmured.

"I'm a guy," Deidara seethed with barely restrained anger.

The first man leeringly grinned. "Don't matter to me..."

Deidara felt a vein pop. "Bastard!" He smacked the man in the head with the rice bag, satisfaction welling up inside of him when the bag burst open and the man hit his head against the wall and fell down.

Well- atleast until the other two tackled him to the ground.

"Aaaarggghh! Crazy perverts un!" Deidara shouted, trying to push them off of him. This was one of the only times he wished he could see that damn Uchiha bastard. Stupid perverts wouldn't even know what hit them.

A hand tugged at his waistband.

His eyes widened.

The next thing he knew, the men were being violently kicked off of him and pounded into a bloody mess.

"Don't you _dare _lay a hand on him again," Itachi's furiously cold voice growled.

Deidara laid on the floor in a daze, trying to figure out what exactly happened.

And then the men were scrambling away, holding their broken limbs and bleeding noses with petrified expressions as they ran off.

"Are you okay?"

Deidara blinked, looking at the person in front of him.

Itachi stood over him, offering a hand.

Deidara stared at it. "Why did you help?"

Itachi gave him a serious look. "They were about to-"

Deidara took his hand before he could continue, allowing himself to be pulled to his feet and patted over by the older man. He looked at Itachi with a tired expression. "I thought you didn't like me hmm."

"I don't." Itachi huffed, taking a step back. "I just couldn't help myself. Brother instincts, you know?"

Deidara seemed embarrassed. "Hmph. Whatever..."

Itachi smirked, picking up the busted bag of rice while glancing at Deidara. "You realize we have to buy this now- right?"

"Or we could just leave it here like the criminals we are," the blonde offered a smirk back, rubbing his wrists subconsciously.

Itachi snorted, dropping the rice and starting to walk away. "Fine. But if Leader-san gets on our case when the store sends the cops after us, you're to blame."

Deidara grinned, running by and grabbing the raven by the wrist. "Leader-san won't be shouting at us over that. Trust me un."

Itachi raised a brow as they ran out the market. "What are you-?"

"KATSU!"

~X~

Pein sighed heavily, rubbing his brow. "Did you even bring anything of use back?"

Deidara shrugged, handing his leader a halfway melted beam of metal. "This landed by our feet. You can hang stuff off of it un."

Pein felt an eye twitch, bashing the blonde over the head with the beam. "BAKA! Kakuzu's going to throw a fit over this!"

"Itai! You're so mean Leader-san!" Deidara cried fake tears, holding the bump on his head.

"I'll show you mean," Pein growled, lunging forward.

Itachi stepped in before things could grow more out of hand. "To be fair, Leader-san, Deidara had every right to blow that place up."

Pein stopped strangling Deidara in favor of looking at Itachi. "And for what reason did he?"

"He was attacked," Itachi said.

"Attacked?" Pein lifted a brow. "By who?"

"Perverts."

"We have perverts here?"

Deidara gave his leader a droll look, a dark aura rising up behind him. "Where have you been all these years? It happens to practically everyone inside this place!"

Pein glowered, crossing his arms. "So what do you suggest I do?"

Deidara pulled down an eyelid and stuck his tongue out. "Maybe you shouldn't send bishonen like me and Itachi out next time and just go yourself."

Pein grabbed the blonde in a headlock, several ticks marks on his forehead. "Just what are you suggesting?"

Itachi shook his head, leaving the two alone in the front hallway. "Can't say I didn't try to help."

* * *

><p>"And there you have it Itachi, Deidara," Pein said, looking at them respectively. "I can't believe you guys would forget something like that."<p>

"Probably because I _was _trying to forget about it," Deidara huffed. "Leader-san just brought it up because no one wanted to bother a non-bishonen like him un..." he muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" Pein asked with a twitch.

Itachi smirked. "He just didn't like being the helpless one this time."

"Shut up bastard!" Deidara shouted, vein throbbing.

"What a brat," Sasori said in an amused tone.

"Sasori, I don't think you can really speak," Pein told him with raised brows.

Sasori immediately glared at him. "What are you talking about?"

Pein smirked, resting his chin in his palm as all attention turned on him again. "Well thinking back on your birthday last year..."

* * *

><p><strong>2. Surprise Parties: (<em>They're called surprise parties for a reason Sasori)<em>**

Sasori huffily sat down, arms crossed and glaring at the table. The entire morning and afternoon he walked around the base, hoping for a greeting from his fellow comrades or some sort of gift. After all, it was his birthday and the birthday boy always got presents and lots of love.

Apparently not.

No one had said anything other than the usual 'Morning~!'. Even his own idiotic partner just smiled at him before insulting his art and rushing out before he could strangle him.

Every year their leader threw parties for the Akatsuki members, whether they wanted them or not. It gave Kakuzu a heart attack and made the others feel loved in the tiny criminal organization. Sasori had especially been looking forward to a day of fun since mission stress had been getting to him lately. But so far- there were no signs of a party even _being _thrown.

Now Sasori was aware of how childish he was acting but- dammit! He wanted a goddamn party just like everyone else! He was the frickin' birthday boy for Jashin sake and he was _not _a happy camper. Not a happy camper at all!

He glared fiercely at the table in front of him.

It burst into flames.

Sasori blinked, slowly inching away from the table, although his frown hadn't disappeared.

Kisame walked into the kitchen, brows raised as he formed several hand seals and put on the fire before it could spread. "What's the matter with you?" he asked the scowling redhead.

Sasori looked off to the side. "Nothing," he snapped.

Kisame held back a guffaw, opting to wave and leave the kitchen instead of replying.

Sasori stared down at the floor from where he sat, suddenly depressed. The members remembered everyone else's birthday but not his? Was he _that _unloved.

~X~

Deidara watched his danna mope through the kitchen air vent. "I can't take it anymore un!" he loudly whispered.

Hidan, who had somehow managed to squeeze next to him in the vent, prevented him from jumping out and giving away their hiding spot. "Shut the fuck up blondie. Just wait a few more hours."

"He'll lock himself away in Hiruko forever," Deidara insisted. "This is too mean hmm."

"We did the same thing to you last year dumbass," Hidan reminded him.

Deidara gave him a blank look. "I spent the first half of the day crying before trying to blow myself up."

"...Well shit."

"What are you two doing in there?"

Hidan and Deidara jolted in surprise, looking through the vent at Sasori who had pulled his chair up and was now standing on top of it to stare at them.

"Er..." Hidan looked to Deidara for help.

Deidara inwardly rolled his eyes. "We're just cleaning up danna. You know how Kakuzu gets when too much dust flies around un. Right Hidan?"

Hidan nodded. "Fuckin' right dude."

Sasori owlishly blinked at them and then jumped off his chair, walking away. "Well have fun getting out you morons."

Deidara and Hidan exchanged a glance.

"What's he talking about yeah?"

"Hell if I know." Hidan tried to move back, only to find he couldn't.

Deidara did the same. "Oh my Kami un...we're stuck!"

"Obviously! How the fuck do we get out!"

"I can't do this," Deidara started to hyperventilate. "I'm claustrophobic!"

Hidan felt a vein pop. "Then why the hell did you climb in here in the first place!"

"I didn't know!"

"You didn't- WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!"

Pein entered the kitchen, listened to the sound of bickering, and walked back out.

~X~

Sasori stomped through the halls, several tic marks plastered to the back of his head. Not only did he get stuck prying Hidan and Deidara out of the stupid air vent, but they didn't thank him either! They just ran off!

"Ungrateful brats," Sasori muttered.

Suddenly he was jumped.

Very poorly might he add.

He knew it was Tobi from the giggles as the masked man blindfolded him lopsidedly and proceeded to spin him in circles until he thought he was going to hurl. Good thing he didn't need to eat... Well after all the pointless and head throbbing spinning was done, he felt himself being dragged off towards the living room where most of the group's daily activities took place. _Oh Kami-sama. What the hell have all these idiots done now? Even sending Tobi after me..._

Tobi pushed him into the living room and ripped the blindfold off of him. "Surprise Sasori-san!"

Sasori blinked rapidly, trying to regain his blurry vision.

"SURPRISE SASORI!"

And there went his eardrums.

Sasori stared, mouth hanging open just a bit as a rain of confetti and streamers floated around him, the Akatsuki members who had been avoiding him all day appearing with large grins and smiles on their faces.

Kisame walked up to him, clapping him on the shoulder as disco music began playing in the background. "You didn't think we'd forget, did you?"

Kakuzu harrumphed from where he sat in the living room armchair. "Just be glad we had leftover decorations. Our budget wouldn't allow us to spend money otherwise."

Hidan smacked his partner over the head, drinking what Sasori suspiciously thought was sake. "Oh shut the fuck up 'Kuzu!" he cheerfully said. "You know you like free food and drinks! And no goddamn missions today or tomorrow!"

Sasori blinked as Kakuzu drop-kicked his partner, starting a wrestling match between them. Now that he thought about it, another rule Leader made when throwing parties, was that all members be relieved of mission duties the day of the party and after. Mostly because a majority of them got hangovers.

Pein approached the redhead, smirking beneath his cloak. "Sasori- I never thought I'd see the day you'd look so upset."

Sasori scowled, crossing his arms and looking away. "I don't like to be ignored or wait over seven hours after I wake up for my own party."

Pein's smirk grew wider. "You know you like it."

"..."

"That's what I thought." Pein patted him on the back before walking towards the table that had been set up full of drinks.

Konan walked up to Sasori next, smiling softly. "Happy birthday Sasori. I hope you didn't get too upset with us."

Sasori sighed, looking at her. "No. I'm actually really glad."

"Good." Konan's eye suddenly twitched, vein popping as she brought the puppet into a headlock. "THEN ACT HAPPY DAMMIT!"

Sasori flailed in the powerful woman's grasp. "Alright! I give, I give! Sheesh!"

Konan evilly laughed, stepping back. "I know you can't get drunk as easily as the rest of us- but have fun." She started to turn but stopped, looking at him with a raised brow. "And keep Deidara away from the drinks will you?"

Sasori deadpanned, remembering clearly what his younger partner was like the last time he joined in with Hidan and Kisame in a shot contest. He held his alcohol pretty well...but with monsters like Hidan and Kisame as his opponent...well the kid was off the chain like a monkey on crack. The baka took the weed killer and started spraying it everywhere, cackling madly with eyes alight in a burning passion.

It might also be the reason why Zetsu didn't like birthday parties as much as before.

And speaking of his partner...

Sasori looked all around the room at the partying members. Not one of them was the brat.

Itachi passed by, a cup of God knows what in his hand.

Sasori quickly grabbed his elbow. "Itachi- where's Deidara?"

Itachi slowly blinked and then looked around. "I have no idea..."

As if on cue, Deidara entered through the other living room doorway, wheeling in a large- as in almost the size of the ceiling- cake. Multi-tiered and decorated in plenty of roses and frilly icing.

Now Sasori might have been flattered had it not been for the horrid stench coming off of the damn thing. He- like everyone else in the room- plugged his nose in horror.

"What the fuck did you make?" Hidan asked, eyes watering.

Deidara frowned, looking at his creation. "I baked a cake for Sasori-no-danna." His expectant eye met with his danna's. "You like it, don't you?"

Sasori felt the eyes of the others on him in the room and hesitantly cleared his throat. "It's...great. But you know I can't eat- right?"

"Of course un!" Deidara visibly brightened. "That's why everyone else is going to eat it and tell you how it is!"

Everyone blanched, taking a step back.

And for once, Sasori was glad he wasn't able to eat like the rest of them.

* * *

><p>Pein looked a little bit green to the face as he finished telling the story, much like everyone else. "You were...so childish that day...Sasori," he said with some difficulty.<p>

Deidara stared at his leader. "My cake wasn't that bad, was it un? I worked really hard you know," he said with the hint of a frown.

Sasori comfortingly patted him on the back. "I thought it looked great."

"You wouldn't be saying the same thing if you'd eaten it," Zetsu muttered. **"Now I didn't think it was all too bad." **"Yeah well your taste buds are weird." **"Oh yeah? Well so are you!" **"Tch. How mature." **"I'll show you mature- right when I shove my foot up your-"**

"Leader-san!" Kisame quickly cut the arguing plant man off, looking wide-eyed at Pein. "That was only two. What else do you have to share?"

Pein massaged his brow, nodding his thanks when Konan poured him another glass of water. His throat was kind of parched from all that talking after all. "Thanks for reminding me Kisame. There is one time when all of us went out together."

Kakuzu raised a brow. "Really? I thought we weren't allowed to anymore."

"Oh this was well before that," Pein assured him with a wave of his hand. "It was last year when we went to that riverside for a picnic..."

* * *

><p><strong>3. Fishing and Having Pinics (<em>normally <em>a great time for relieving stress)**

"TOBI'S SO EXCITED! EVERYONE WAKEY-WAKEY~!" Tobi screamed as he ran down the sleeping hallway of the Akatsuki, banging two cookie trays together.

Deidara scowled, eyes popping open along with a vein as he sat up in bed.

Sasori was already up and reading a book across from him, but even he couldn't stop his eyebrow from twitching. "Don't even think about it brat. Kakuzu and Leader-san will have your head for blowing up the walls again."

Deidara's scowl deepened, but he shoved the clay in his hands back under his pillow. "Goddammit un."

"TOBI WANTS YOU ALL DOWN IN THE KITCHEN IN TEN MINUTES FOR A SUPER IMPORTANT MEETING!"

Hidan flopped out of bed, immediately grabbing his scythe which leant against his night dresser. He jumped to his feet, stalking towards his door with his hair a mess and no clothes on. "Imma kill that motherfucker..." he growled.

Kakuzu pulled him back with his arm threads, casually returning to sewing the busted seam of his quilt. "You can't go kill Tobi," he told his partner. "Leader-san will hang you from the stairwell for three weeks again and no one wants to see you naked.

Hidan huffed like a child but threw his weapon down all the same. "That's so not fuckin' fair!" he shouted.

"IF NO ONE COMES TO THE KITCHEN- NO ONE GETS TO EAT!"

Itachi slowly opened his eyes.

Kisame was already up and getting Sameheda out.

Itachi watched the older man and then closed his eyes again. "Don't let Leader-san catch you."

"RISE AND SHINE BITCHES! TOBI WANTS YOU ALL UP NOW!"

Pein grumbled, stuffing a wad of cotton in his ears. "Who the hell taught Tobi that kind of language?"

"No one," Konan calmly said from where she stood in front of his desk with a stack of papers. "It's just Madara acting up."

Pein looked at her. "What did you say?"

"I said it was Madara."

"What?"

Konan punched him in the face. "LISTEN MORE CLOSELY WILL YOU?" she roared.

~X~

Zetsu, who had been sitting at the kitchen table all along, watched with sadistic pleasure as his fellow members trudged into the kitchen. Pein had a black eye, Konan was pissed, Kisame looked angry, Sasori irritable, Deidara like he wanted to shove a bomb down a certain someone's throat, Itachi emotionless, Kakuzu at peace, and Hidan spitting curses left and right as if there was no tomorrow.

Tobi marched in after the group, looking very important. "Tobi's glad all of you came."

"Because you fucking woke us up you motherfucking asshole!" Deidara shouted.

Hidan gave the blonde an appraising look, everyone else looking flabbergasted. "You've learned well Dei-chan."

Deidara gave him the finger. "Fuck you!"

Hidan felt a vein pop. "Now watch it here you little-"

"TOBI WANTS SILENCE!" Tobi yelled in a high-pitched angry voice.

The two quieted down almost right away, although that didn't stop them from glaring.

"Very good," Tobi praised. "Okay minna! Tobi has decided that since today no one has any missions, we'll go out on a picnic."

Pein frowned. "I never said we had no missions."

Tobi turned to look at him. "Tobi has decided that _no one _has any missions today Leader-san."

Pein deadpanned. "Understood."

"Hooray!" Tobi threw his arms up into the air. "Then Konan-chan and Kakuzu-san will get the food ready, Deidara-sempai will get the blankets, and...everyone else can just get changed. We're going to leave as soon as everyone is ready!"

Kisame covered his face with his hands. "Why hasn't he stopped shouting yet...?"

Tobi appeared right in front of him. "BECAUSE SHOUTING IS FUN KISAME-SAN!"

Kisame felt an eye twitch.

Itachi grabbed his partner before the older man could attempt to bodily harm Tobi.

This was going to be a _long _day.

~X~

After a forty minute treck through their backyard, Tobi led them past a bunch of trees to the lakeside they had hidden behind the base.

"We're here!" Tobi unnecessarily announced.

Hidan dropped the fishing rods he had been forced to carry, vein throbbing. "Why the FUCK did you lead us around when we could've been here in less than two fucking minutes?"

Tobi mysteriously looked back at him. "Because Tobi wanted to."

Hidan smacked a palm to his face.

"Don't complain," Pein muttered from behind the Jashinist as they exited the patch of trees. In front of them was a large deformed crater filled with water, fish, and other lake things. Pebbles and stones lined the perimeter of the body of water, the sun shining down through the opening the trees provided.

Tobi faced the crew of unhappy criminals, hands on his hips. "Okay everyone! Set up the blankets and food! We're going to have a uper-fun fishing contest!"

"Who wants to do that?" Deidara grouched, dropping the blanket he held.

Kisame wandered over to help the blonde spread out the sheet. "No one. But he'll start screaming again if we don't."

Kakuzu set down his carefully made basket on the blanket once it was set up. "Let's just hurry and get this over with. Maybe afterwards he'll let us go," he muttered.

"I highly doubt that," Kisame muttered back.

As if on cue, Tobi appeared in the middle of them, clapping his hands together obnoxiously. "GRAB YOUR POLES BOYS! TIME TO FISH!"

All three popped a vein.

~X~

Sasori sat on the plaid picnic basket the others had set up, watching his comrades while eating all of the food they made. _This is some good shit, _he absently thought. He fought down a snicker when Deidara threw his fishing line out, catching it with Hidan's and then causing a huge ruckus as they tried to untangle the wires. All they really managed to do was piss of Itachi and Kakuzu who were in between them and were forced to duck as the two members waved their rods around like a pair of banshees.

It was pretty funny.

"Oh Sasori?" **"Why aren't you out attemping to catch fish like the others?"**

Sasori glanced to the side as Zetsu sat next to him. "I figured there was no point. We live with Tobi- there's no escaping him."

Zetsu shrugged. **"Those morons out there think it's worth a shot." **

"And why aren't _you _out there?" Sasori inquired, lifting a brow.

The plant man grinned at this. "Because we figured we'd have to deal with him anyway too."

"Ah."

_"Whoever catches the most fish gets to go back to the base," Tobi had announced once everyone had grabbed a fishing rod. "The time limit ends when Tobi finishes building his stick tower."_

Kisame glared at the masked man from where he was practically wading in the river. He was building the tower pretty damn fast.

Now everyone was trying to find a fish as quickly as possible. They would glance around, notice no one else had any luck, and then pray to their respective gods for one measly fish so they could get the hell away.

A good amount of feet away from the rest of the 'fishing' members were Pein and Konan. The latter looked at ease, standing calmly with her pants rolled up to her knees like everyone else.

Except for Hidan. He chose to go commando, claiming it freshened his body and opened his awareness.

Kakuzu muttered that it also scarred those around him for life. The two of them then bickered over who was the bigger douche. It was wearing down on everyone's nerves until Itachi _kindly _told them shut up. There was a thick silence over the group, their eardrums ringing slightly and eyes wide. Things went back to normal afterwards...Hidan and Kakuzu just argued in their inside voices now.

Pein brought a finger to his temple. "This is so troublesome. What is Madara thinking?" he quietly murmured.

Konan smiled at him. "I don't know. This is actually kind of peaceful-"

"What the hell un? I'm not catching anything!" Deidara angrily kicked at the water.

Konan sighed. "I spoke too soon dammit..."

Tobi glanced over at the blonde, adding another stick to his tower. "Well that's probably because there are no fish in that river."

Everyone paused.

"..."

"What-"

"-the-"

"-FUCKING HELL DID YOU JUST SAY?" Hidan roared.

"Well no one caught anything so I guess you're all stuck here!" Tobi cheered.

Itachi grabbed Hidan before the Jashinist could charge at the laughing masked nin.

And after that, they all just kind of up and left.

* * *

><p>Everyone glared at Tobi who merely waved brightly.<p>

Pein cleared his throat. "Don't look so angry. As I recall, you all gathered together to play a game of Twister in the living room afterwards."

"Yeah, and broke my nose," Kisame muttered.

"At least it wasn't your fucking spleen," Hidan grumbled at him.

"Well I lost an arm," Deidara spoke up.

Sasori glanced at him. "You're always losing your arms."

Deidara narrowed his visible eye. "I wouldn't be losing them if Kakuzu would stop using _staples _instead of stiches un." He glared accusingly at their so-called medic nin.

Kakuzu shrugged, sitting back from the table. "If I used anything other than staples and superglue I'd have to start charging you."

"Cheapass bastard," Hidan scowled. "No wonder my stupid foot fell off on the last mission."

Kakuzu felt a vein begin to throb. "Keep talking if you want to lose both your stupid feet permanently."

Hidan made a mocking face but said nothing more to his partner, instead looking at their leader. "So Leader-san, thanks for the fucking bedtime stories- but all its proven is that we're a group of dysfunctional idiots that have to much goddamn time on our hands."

"Speak for yourself," Konan muttered.

Hidan's head snapped over in her direction. "Say that again bitch!"

"Hm? Did you want something?" Konan innocently blinked at him.

Hidan slammed his head on the table. "Goddammit..."

"I bet Hidan would be a terrible gambler un," Deidara randomly commented, pushing his remaining food around on his plate.

"Oh he is," Zetsu muttered. **"Have you ever sat down and played cards with him?"**

Deidara smirked, purposefully avoiding looking at the Jashinist who was glaring holes into his head. "I would rather play against someone with skill. I'd feel bad for cheating a _loser _out of his money yeah. Kakuzu plays a surprisingly honest game."

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Hidan threw his plate at the blonde who dodged with a loud bark of laughter.

Sasori smugly smiled, reaching for his glass of milk. "You're too nice brat. I'm sure Kakuzu would have no qualms with robbing the first hobo he saw."

"What?" Kakuzu looked at the redhead enraged.

"You'd rob a poor man?" Itachi inquired, looking very unimpressed.

Kakuzu furrowed his brows as he turned to reason with the Uchiha. "No- that's not it at all-"

Kisame sadly shook his head. "Shame...Shame on you... You dishonor us all."

"What the _fuck _is wrong with you?" Kakuzu asked, eyebrow twitching.

Konan rolled her eyes. "Come on guys, lay off. Kakuzu doesn't rob just any hobo he sees."

Kakuzu sighed. "_Thank you _Konan."

"He makes sure they have money first and _then _mugs them," Konan snickered.

"WHAT!"

"True. Very true," Sasori sniggered.

Hidan sat back with a laugh. "Wow 'Kuzu! You're so fucked up dude!"

"Well it's not like you're any better un," Deidara softly scoffed.

Hidan had a very large tick mark plastered to the back of his head as he contemplated whether to punch or rip the smirk off the blonde bomber's face. "What's that supposed to mean asshole?"

Tobi giggled. "You're still an idiot Hidan-san!" he chirped.

"What! Why you-!"

Pein watched them, eyes closed and brow twitching in anger. Finally, when the arguing rose to a level eight men and a woman shouldn't have been able to reach, he stood- slamming his hands down in front of him. "ENOUGH ALREADY! YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME FEEL SO OLD! GOD- I'M GETTING WRINKLES EVERY TIME ONE OF YOU OPENS YOUR MOUTH!" he roared, a vein popping.

A stunned blanket of quiet fell over the group immediately.

Pein breathed out heavily, trying to calm himself down. "I didn't mean to yell. I was just getting a really big migraine."

"We're sorry otou-san," they mumbled in unison, looking away from the considerably calmer man.

"It's alright. Look- we'll pretend it never even happened," Pein reassured them, sitting down with a smile as if to prove his point.

His members looked at him, giving off their own hesitant nods before smiling back.

Well really it was just Deidara, Tobi, and Zetsu. The rest of them harrumphed or muttered things under their breath- but their leader was sure they were thinking nice enough thoughts.

...

Boy does Pein like to dream.

There was a peaceful silence as they sat around their rectangular dinner table.

Until Hidan opened his mouth.

"So why do _you _get to be the fuckin' father? Calling yourself old or somethin'?"

Pein didn't even bother to use his jutsu this time. He just ripped the Jashinist's head off.

"DAMN YOU LEADER-SAN!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Well you can't say he didn't try. **


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